my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
