My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
