That's intense
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
