just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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