While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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