My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
