Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
