it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
