Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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