It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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