I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
This house was built for laser tag.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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