Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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