I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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