and she was petting her beer can
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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