I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
