im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
