I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
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I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
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