I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
