I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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