So drunk its hurt
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
