I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
