dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
