And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
