I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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