I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
