Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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