the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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