i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Send help, water and tortillas.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
