good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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