If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
