My hand turned me down
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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