please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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