My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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