either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
