So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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