I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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