Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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