WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
