Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
