Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
