When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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