please come you make the beer taste better
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
