I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
