The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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