My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
