My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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