I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
