YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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