Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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