soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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