well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
