Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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