Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
