I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
