I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
