I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
