chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
