I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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