Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I forget how to act sober
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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